Love, people will always encounter many obstacles, pain and disappointment, someone once lamented: "If people can not need love how good.!From a psychological point of view, do you think love is really necessary for us?

Psychologist: It must be, because the need for love is a kind of human "quasi-instinct"。 "Quasi-instinct" means "something similar to instinct."。It has the basis of race heredity and the factors of acquired influence。That is to say, on the one hand, the need for love is natural;On the other hand, its expression is influenced by acquired learning and environment。Since it is a kind of instinct, then its satisfaction is what we human beings can not lack。The fulfillment of our love needs can bring a sense of meaning and value to our lives。

Many people will suffer from not finding the right object to love, do not know for themselves what kind of talent is the right person。

Xu Jinsheng: Fromm pointed out in The Art of Love that people think that the problem of love is a problem of objects, rather than a problem of ability. They think that love itself is very simple, and the difficulty lies in finding the object of love or being loved。But the proposal of "the ability to love" creatively combines the issue of love with the issue of mental health。

Whether people have happiness in love depends on whether their personality is healthy, and if their personality is healthy, they have the "ability to love".。If we are capable of love, we will be able to see love as a "positive activity," and we will see more pleasure in "giving" than in "receiving.。

The traditional view of "giving" means giving up, having something taken from you or making a sacrifice。But Fromm believes that creative people have a completely different understanding of "giving", they believe that "giving" is the highest expression of power, and it is precisely through "giving" that I can experience my "power", my "wealth", my "vitality".。To experience the sublimation of vitality and their own vitality, so happy。

Love still needs the interaction of two people to call it love?

Psychological consultantThe need for love is a person's business, but the satisfaction of the need for love is a matter between two people, the most healthy and complete love is two people's "open heart"。

How to find "love of the heart"?The ideal of the perfect partner is not hard to achieve?

Psychological consultant: It depends on how to define "ideal" and "perfect"。The ideal love is "love at first sight" and "stay together".。Like Ken Wilbur and Trea, they fell in love at first sight, and even though they didn't end up together, they did。It requires a mature personality and creates the necessary prerequisites for this kind of love;Another important prerequisite is chance。There is no way to predict the chance, but the maturity of personality can be achieved through our own cultivation。

But many people are easy to fall into a cycle of finding the "perfect partner" and setting themselves too demanding。

Counselor: Yes, soulmate relationship is heart to heart, it is an ideal state, we want it to last。But man is not God, man must live in reality。If we want to have more beautiful states, then both sides should have a unified understanding of love and life, and accept each other's entire life。If only one side has this feeling, then even if it has reached a good tacit understanding, the quality of its love will be greatly reduced, from the love of the heart to other levels, and the comfort zone of love will not actively expand, it will inevitably shrink。

Also, in Grace and Courage, Ken Wilbur writes that he even hit his partner during the conflict。It can be seen that man is not God, even if the so-called "perfect partner", also includes the existence of low tide and entanglement。"Love at first sight" is beautiful, but it is not the most important thing for good love。It does not guarantee how much time to open the mind, to what extent。If through some setbacks, come together, can pass the heart is not beautiful?

People are desperate for "everlasting", but deep down they don't believe it will happen。Do you think there is "everlasting" in love?

Psychological consultantTwo people living together, keeping "everlasting" love, this is a very complicated matter。The so-called "everlasting" love has a cost, and the development of two people needs to be roughly synchronized。Nowadays people do not believe in true love and are not willing to pay this price。Modern society is more tolerant of love life, relationships and marriage, so that people pay more attention to other opportunities。

Many people encounter a little disagreement, friction in love, and feel frustrated, failed, imperfect, and unsustainable。Modern people are particularly fragile in maintaining their feelings, and most people want to "get" but are not willing to "give".。

Psychological consultant: First of all, we should have a clear understanding of what is "perfect" love。Since "heart" is a cost, two people can not have a "heart to heart" feeling every day, then we should learn to accept the low tide, accept mediocrity, accept the period of maintenance and even entanglement。

When we "give", this kind of giving should be as much as possible to give, to give to the point, rather than "please do not please", otherwise it is easy to backfire。In addition, as an important way to accept the low tide, everyone agrees with each other to form an appropriate space and boundary。After some people get married, not only separate beds, but also separate rooms, when we want to be together, when we do not want to be together, they maintain a distance, which is also a kind of exploration。

What do you think are the biggest hurts and challenges in love, and where do they come from?

Psychologist: Everyone is different。Perhaps many people feel the biggest hurt is betrayal, cheating, some are other。The challenge is to overcome the obstacles and bottlenecks of the mind, often through our own growth。When we can't connect with another person, that's when we need to grow。

Everyone will be confused, tangled and painful in love, when our emotions can not find the exit, what should we do?

Psychologist: At such times, one should be happy。"Trouble is bodhi", when you feel trouble, this is when wisdom begins to appear, and it is also a time for growth opportunities to appear, and it is time to calm down and reflect and learn。

Do you agree with the saying "The ability to love is primarily the ability to love, not to be loved"?

Psychological consultant: In fact, "the ability to love" and "the ability to be loved" are inseparable。There is no such thing as a person who loves and doesn't receive love。In other words, a person who will only love, but will not accept love, his "love" should also be a question mark。

When a person is able to love another person, he will be keenly aware of the other person's state and feedback, and the other person's feedback(成长)Should be a return to him, a love。So to say that "the ability to love is primarily reflected in the ability to love rather than be loved", I think it means to take the responsibility of "channeling" more actively。